Psychotic Academy

In which, as unlikely as it seems, Wall and Damerell attend Starfleet Academy. This is the story of four years of chaos, cheating, bickering and forging the bonds of a friendship that (unfortunately) won't go away.

1. Birth of a Partnership

Wall and Damerell meet, and celebrate by getting in deep trouble.

‘…Damerell glanced around desperately. Everyone else was trying to slide nonchalantly away from him, as if he was standing on high-explosive and didn’t know it…’

2. Playing the Game

Wall accidentally cheats at his exams, and the two of them get another cadet arrested for deliberately cheating. Double-standards, anyone?

‘…He sat there for a few moments, savagely cursing Starfleet’s lack of foresightedness in not placing crashmats on the floor of every cadet dormitory…’

3. Another Year, Another Exam

Wall persuades Damerell to cheat at his exams before destroying Starfleet property as part of his.

‘…”Okay, let’s get those boots off… ah, yes, that’s it! The miracle of toes…”…’

In which Hill and Graham spend their time at the Academy arguing, fighting and establishing a bitter rivalry that would last well beyond their Academy days.

1. A Stroll in the Country

Hill samples the outdoor life, and finds it doesn’t agree with him. He then meets Graham, and finds that agrees with him even less.

‘…Hill abruptly dumped all his enlightened twenty-third century preconceptions and decided he’d been paired with a freak…’

2. The Art of Turbolift Maintenance

Hill discovers new talents when he is trapped in a lift with a decidedly unVulcan Graham undergoing Ponn Farr.

‘…Every so often I need to either mate with something, or torture it for a few hours…’

3. Theoretically, This Ought To Work

Graham’s compassion for his fellow man is shown to be sorely lacking during an exercise.

‘…”The entire ship will be annihilated. To think of all that technology, immolated in one hideous instant!!! Oh, woe is me…”…’

In which Jackson is dishonourably discharged from the Academy and Stark, kind soul that he is, offers to help him out with a job in his kitchen. Not the standard path for a would-be medic to take.

1. The Unkindest Cut of All

Jackson is court-martialled for attempted murder and picks Stark to be his defense counsel. Some might say these are not the actions of a sane mind.

‘…Jackson, who knew he was late, decided not to worry about it, and began to frenziedly cut the body’s right leg off…’

2. New Life, New Civilisations and an Iceberg Lettuce

Jackson’s attempts at cleaning Stark’s kitchen create a rift in the space-time continuum.

‘…As the omelette passed Jackson, his eyes bulged and he cried, “This is your idea of a rescue?”…’

3. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner and a Late Snack at Tiffany’s

Events take an unexpected turn when Stark cooks for a host of Starfleet VIPs.

‘…Stark stepped over Jackson’s comatose body and brought the tureen up to cover his face…’

In which Olding comes to terms with his true calling, dealing with an uptight Southern ponce in the process.

1. A Character Building Experience

Olding meets his arch-nemesis, with far reaching consequences.

‘…The hand that had been doing the slapping was abruptly flung forwards at Olding, who shook it limply. “Horatio Cholmondely-Smythe, at your service, dear boy!”…’

2. Invasive Procedures

Olding reaches his limit with one of his roommate’s more irritating habits.

‘…just as he was being kicked out of the library before curfew, Olding reckoned he had what he needed to implement what he’d mentally termed Operation Ponce-Be-Gone…’