Peter Barfoot

Officer's Career to Date:

Born one of twins, Peter Barfoot was the only one of his family not to exhibit his works of art at any number of prestigious galleries throughout the Federation. Although possessed of what could best be described as an artistic temperament, Barfoot's abilities were more technically focussed, having once constructed a working reactor from his father's favourite oil paints and easel. It was perhaps no surprise when he joined the Engineering Branch of Starfleet in 2280.

Although undoubtedly gifted, Barfoot's Academy career was marred by his unfortunate tendency to play practical jokes on fellow cadets and tutors alike. This culminated in the infamous Tellarite Custard Fracas of 2284 which marred his graduation ceremony and cost the Academy 50,000 credits in dry cleaning. This incident resulted in the first of many reprimands to appear on Barfoot's file during his career.

Posted to the USS Ramchip in 2284, Barfoot celebrated his arrival in the fleet by gluing the Captain and Chief Engineer together. This inauspicious start to the Ramchip's five year mission heralded Barfoot's unique combination of undoubted technical ability coupled with a sense of humour that would not have been out of place in a creche. It was this that kept him from promotion on numerous occasions, still holding the rank of Ensign when the Ramchip returned to Earth at the end of her mission.

Barfoot achieved a promotion to Lieutenant j.g. upon his posting to the USS Smirnoff as a dilithium chamber maintenance specialist. He took to this new, more responsible role well, and for the first few weeks established a new routine of hard work and diligence to his duties. Then, for reasons best known to Barfoot, he took it upon himself to respray every dilithium crystal aboard bright green, and the third of his major reprimands made its appearance on his file. Unabashed, Barfoot's pranks continued unabated for the next three years until in desperation his commanding officer recommended him for transfer to the medical ship Diphtheria.

Upon arrival aboard the Diphtheria, Barfoot decided that the best way he could contribute to the vessel's primary mission was by establishing 'Radio Diphtheria', a music request show he hosted during his off-duty hours. Although initially popular, Barfoot's decision to make the show 24/7 proved controversial. Unable to host it himself permanently, and in the absence of other volunteers, Barfoot designed a computer program to play random selections of music from the ship's database, interspersed with witty comments he'd prerecorded. Something went wrong in the beta testing, and the program embedded itself into the ship's computer core, making it impossible to delete without also deleting said core. There then followed 18 months of continuous, unending, relentlessly upbeat music. The suicide rate aboard the Diphtheria rose dramatically, as did the tinnitus.

Barfoot was posted to Utopia Planitia, to work under Lieutenant-Commander Sponn. It was hoped that pairing him with a Vulcan would calm the now-Lieutenant Barfoot down somewhat. Sadly, this was not to be. For the year that Sponn and Barfoot worked side-by-side on the latest Constitution class starship, Utopia Planitia Shipyards became Ground Zero for scenes of debauchery unknown since the collapse of the Roman Empire.

The highlight of their time on Mars came when the Ambassador hosted the biggest social event to be held on the planet in 10 years. Determined not to miss out, Barfoot and Sponn beamed down three weeks ahead of the events, and, disguising themselves as a filing cabinet, managed to infiltrate the venue for the party. Once in the party, whilst Sponn mingled with the guests, Barfoot realised that he had in fact forgotten his trousers in the filing cabinet. He returned to the cabinet a minute ahead of Sponn, who had made the acquaintance of the Ambassador's daughter, and had suggested a assignation in the filing cabinet. Unfortunately, the Ambassador followed them, only to discover the three of them within the cabinet with their clothing in a state of disarray. The resulting scandal threatened to overturn the Martian government and it was felt that it would be best if Barfoot left the planet along with the ship he had been helping to build. Thus, when the USS Psycho-A was commissioned, Lieutenant-Commander Peter Barfoot joined her as Deputy Engineer.

Previous Commanding Officers' Comments:

"Technically able, and I suppose we must give him credit for the discovery that Tellarites are violently allergic to custard. However, this officer needs to learn the value of restraint in his everyday activities."

-    Commodore B Dillard, Commandant, Starfleet Academy

"Thanks to this officer, I have been unable to look my Chief Engineer in the eye for five years. I appreciate the value of humour in a long mission, but there is a time and a place, and the bridge during a Yellow Alert is not it."

-    Captain Dahlqvist, Officer Commanding, USS Ramchip

"The last eighteen months have proved to be a true life version of the seventh circle of hell. Once Bachman Turner Overdrive's seminal 'You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet' has been played at you for the fifteen thousandth time, you start to appreciate it's socio-anarcho-syndicalist undertones. Wibble."

-    Captain R J "Butcher" Antonelli, Officer Commanding, USS Diphtheria

"There is no doubting this officer's zest for life, which is why we feel he is best suited somewhere off planet. Especially this planet."

-    Commander W Hattersley, Officer Commanding, Construction Project MG11

Decorations this officer is entitled to:

Federation Guild of Comics, Japesters and Merry Pranksters (Honorary Member)